things that many don't understand.

growing older has definitely changed the way i see things. and each time i think of how i love my job and why i love it so much - i manage to brush off all the unpleasant things that tag along with the job. it's not easy to work with people with differences.

my clients are my students. i know some may say that my monthly pay comes from them, therefore i shouldn't do things the way i like. but sometimes, it's not the way i like it but rather i was left with no choice but responsibility.

errr faham ke?

baru-baru ni, i told my students that it's the worst midterm result in history. many fail the exam, despite being told how they should answer each and every question. i notice that most of them were unhappy with the result, but none came to ask me why did i say it's the worst in history.

let me explain here, ladies and gentlemen.

one, many of the students did not follow the instructions. suruh garis, dia tak garis. suruh pilih satu jawapan daripada empat pilihan jawapan, ada yang pilih lebih. 

two, they seemed like they didn't understand the questions. sebabnya, pembuat soalan menggantikan perkataan dalam text dengan synonyms. and many actually left the questions empty. MANY. whhhhhyyyyy?

three, many didn't provide relevant supporting details for the paragraph writing. and to my surprise, there were also many students who chose to leave it blank. oh myyyyyy... whyyyyy?

four, they are just unlucky because their answers were not like in the answering scheme. i know you can justify saying that it's logic and what not - but i just couldn't do anything because it's fixed and it will be unfair to other students. so, yeah. blame me for trying to be as just as i could.

it's not easy to please everyone. never been. i teased a boy in my class as i know he's smart and he is the kind who likes to compete and easily feels challenged, but i'm not sure if he purely gets what i intend to do or he just thought of it as a humiliation upon him.

students selalu rasa dimalukan when i scold them or membahan diorang dalam kelas. some say i favour orang ni lebih la apa la. without realizing it that the world works that way. the real world is unpleasant and can be so damaging, but where else we can go but facing it with solid heart and motivation? i usually takkan membahan or kacau student yang i dah nampak will be fine or sometimes i just let them be sebab i rasa tak perlu. but to those yang selalu i cari pasal tu, please forgive me. mungkin cara i salah until you feel the other way around.

all that i care for my students is for them to be able to be strong enough to face the world. i want them to be able to protect themselves by letting go, or by pushing all the negativity away, or by making the bad becomes good, turning them into inspirations rather than demotivation. i see them as my children though i'm young *eheeem*. i just don't want them to be easily hurt. life is, you know.

if he's reading this and he feels so much intimidated with my way saying that the two girls scored better than him - i hope he would get it that it was not my intention at all to humiliate him but more of provoking him to prove he can do better.

i have no idea why i feel so connected to him, but i do sense that if he's not being careful - he would just be the other boys i've known; which is not positive so it's bad since he has the potential.

boy, you are smart and i know you'll do well - but do keep yourself on the ground, keep yourself the way you should be and you'll be greater in future. with your potential, i know you'll be someone on top but make sure you carry the right attitude with you.

people with success are people with humanity and wisdom. you can't lack either one of them; or else you are just a body with no soul. 

perghhhh so deep my writing today bahahahaa. whatever, i love you all nevertheless.

Sunday, and love-hate relationship.

It is now sunday. How time flies. As much as i miss working, i do love the idea of waking up late, sleeping at any time i desire and lazing around doing nothing. 

My mentees and i are going to have a party tomorrow evening. And i'm still clueless on what to bring. Will they be okay if i just bake a cake? Throttle body cleaner

Thinking of what to bring to a party sometimes makes me feel so old hahahaa tetiba je. Tengoklah kalau rajin i'll put up some photos of the party.

Till then, peeps. Muahxxxxxxx. 

midterm results.

i'm done marking the papers.
but haven't sum up the marks for each section yet.
that one can be done later.

i miss working.
am i a workaholic now?

hello uolssssss hihi!

How i spent my raya.

There's nothing more stressful than spending time marking midterm papers and watching stupid malay dramas and movies. Cliche heh. And very much insulting the brain. 

Salam Lebaran, all.

Assalamualaikum.

ecewahhh mentang-mentang nak buat ucapan raya, maka entri pun dimulakan dengan salam baru nampak Islamik sikit ahaaakkkssss haha.

straight to the point, i'd like to wish all of you readers (if any, ehemmm2) selamat hari raya aidilfitri! 

as a human being, flaws are inevitable. i humbly apologize to all of you, if i've offended or hurt your feelings, ego and pride. most of the time, it was not my intention at all. like i said, i'm just a human being and can never be perfect.

i hope that this raya will be better than before, and that your duit raya sangat banyak so that can treat me as well bahahahahhaaa.

drive safely, enjoy yourself to the max - but be careful. and don't forget the spelling tests after raya *what a spoiler, huh? hahahaha*

ohhh yeahhh. it doesn't feel right if i don't invite you to come. so please do. but do let me know for arrangement, okay?

happy happyy happppyyy uolsssss!

Delayed.

I'm supposed to write my raya wish but i'm just too tired to even think of what words shall i put in order to really exude my real intention ecewaaahhh banyaklah alasan hahahahaaaa. 

I think i'll do it tomorrow, insyaAllah. On another hand, i notice that eating rice makes me sleepy and sloppy. Like now. But then it could also be due to the fact i slept less than three hours last night, and i spent the whole day commuting from one place to another, and it's already late hihihi. People said sufficient sleep helps to retain younger look but with the life i have, if it's true - i bet i look older than my age soon hahah. 

I had so much fun just now. My ex students treated me dinner and we talked and laughed like nobody's business. But somehow i feel bad because i couldn't really get to talk in equal turns to all. I wish we actually had a private room where the table was round and could fit us all. Sorry sangat if any of you terasa and what not. I wish i can split myself but that's just absurd isn' it?

Heh konon tak ada tenaga and idea sebab so sleepy tapi terpanjang pula entri hihihi. Shall try to sleep now. I need to look younger so it wouldn't feel weird to be among youngsters and act like one. I can really forget my age when i'm surrounded by younger people bahahahaa. 

Oh btw, i'm typing this using my phone, so please excuse me if there are errors whatsoever. Till then, muahxxxxxxxx. 

when i feel less motivated.

who says teaching is easy? it is, to be honest. but the hardest part is to be listened to, and to be appreciated. and it has never been easier to educate.

i've been in this field for quite some time, and i'm still in love with it. sometimes, as i'm just a normal human being, i do feel unhappy and lethargic of my routine - but i love my students to bits; even though they may not realize it. i have fun being with them, and i love to treat them as friends; but of course with certain boundaries.

at their age, they are prone to make mistakes. although i can actually be considered as a matured adult, i do understand because i was at their age once. i know how it feels, and i know how devastated it is if you are not in favour among teachers or lecturers. i was one of that kind, so i know what i'm talking about.

due to that vulnerability of students to make stupid mistakes, i tend to just let them be. of course, i would be mad too - but it wouldn't be too long. my principal is very simple; you scratch my back,  i'll scratch yours. so be kind to me, i'll be kind to you.

tapi kadang-kadang budak-budak can also drive me crazy. however, when you think about their age and their level of conscience, what can you expect from their age? so it's understandable. for me, doing a mistake for the first time is okay. but repeating the same mistake again and again is stupid. yet, you deserve to be forgiven but the impression stays heheheheee.

entah apalah aku bebel ni hahahaaa.

i was actually nak tulis pasal how touched i was today. in this blessing month of Ramadhan, i got many invitations from students to break fast together. seronok thinking how they feel so berbesar hati to invite manusia picisan macam aku ni hihihi. i always have this kind of thought yang aku ni lecturer tah pape, mengajar tah pape, cakap tah pape, perangai tah pape. maybe the students will agree to this yang aku memang tah pape, but they still invited me so okaylah. be tah pape pun orang okay, how nice life is treating me hahahahhaaa.

i wonder kalau aku tak tah pape, would they still like me? ke mereka sebenarnya jemput aku sebab nak bodek. hoh. i'd better ask them the truth hahahaaa.

sebenarnya aku nak cakap (asyik meleweeehhh tah kemana-mana je aku ni; so easily distracted hahah), kadang sejujurnya aku rasa begitu hilang semangat bila pelajar asyik menguap di dalam kelas aku. well, aku pun faham bahawa belajar grammar so bosaaaaaan sebab dulu pun aku pernah kena jerkah sebab tertidur dalam kelas bahahahaha. itu yang kadang-kadang aku cerita cerita cerita pasal tah hapa-hapa dengan harapan at the same time i can provide them few new words to enrich their vocab. entah diorang perasan ke tak ke asyik cakap aku suka cakap merepek bahahahahaa.

hoi students, if you are reading this - berhenti mengumpat nanti ilmu tak berkat *tetiba emo* hahahahaa.

before i end my aimless writing, just wanna let you know that i love my students - and having you greeting me, texting me once in a while, visiting me and overly excited shouting my name when you see me - you've made my day.

there's nothing more a teacher can ask, than to be remembered. it's the best form of appreciation. 

oh yeah, and to be praised how wonderful i am in class and how much you miss me and it was fun to be in my class bahahahaha *sentimen puji diri mesti kena ada untuk menaikkan self-esteem ehem eheeemmmm hihihi*, i would love you even more hohohoho.

look what i've found.

while i was managing my other blog and deleting another (berapa banyak blog nak ada daaaa), i stumbled upon this piece of writing. it was written by me in 2008. lamanya! and i don't even remember i wrote that hahahaaa. reading it back brought memories, bitter and sweet. i remember when i was young and naive, and i still couldn't believe i am where i am now. how time flies, and how i've changed over time. i'd like to paste it here, just so you know and so that i would still remember how young i was and how honest and lame my writing was hahahaaa. but then, i think it's more on mushy type of text, btw hihihi. it's in my mother tongue, hope you enjoy laughing while reading hohohoho.

Yeppa yeppa.
Saya suka baca blog orang.
Saya suka tulis blog juga.
tapi selalu saya tulis dalam bahasa inggeris.
bukan, bukan tak suka bahasa malaysia.
benci pun bukan.
tapi kali ini saya nak cuba tulis dalam bahasa ibunda saya.
mungkin bunyinya sedikit janggal, jadi maafkan saya.

berbicara tentang bahasa malaysia.
ada suatu hari, seorang lelaki kata saya tak berjiwa melayu.
hanya kerana saya kata bahasa inggeris boleh membantu anak melayu lebih 'global'.
katanya saya bercakap begitu, tanpa memikirkan anak bangsa saya yang tidak pandai berbahasa inggeris.
tapi itu bukan maksud saya. saya juga bukan dari bayi terus pandai berbahasa inggeris.
ibu bapa saya walaupun kacukan macam-macam, tapi kami bercakap bahasa malaysia di rumah.
buku-buku saya kebanyakannya dalam bahasa ibunda. pernah ada 'mat saleh' tinggal dengan kami untuk 3 bulan, dan ketika itu saya di tingkatan 4 atau 5, masih saya tergagap-gagap tatkala berbicara dan kami macam ayam dan itik. saya seperti orang gila meracau-racau, tangan tergawang-gawang semata ingin menyatakan 'kupas dulu kulit bawang tuh'.

tapi Tuhan itu Maha Mengetahui. keputusan SPM saya, bahasa inggeris saya yang terunggul, mengatasi subjek yang lain. haih letih-letih saya belajar (seadanya) tapi sedikit pun saya tak sedih. walaupun kalau dilihat pada keputusan saya, selayaknya saya membawa diri masuk ke hutan. mungkin sudah tertulis rezeki saya bukan di situ. dan Dia lebih tahu. Saya dapat masuk universiti, belajar jurusan yang sangat asing. hari pertama menjejakkan kaki di kampus, saya malu menyatakan kursus apa yang saya ambil pada kawan-kawan jurusan lain. malu dikata angkuh. malu jika orang menyangka saya hebat sedangkan saya sendiri masih tercari-cari apa yang hebat tentang diri sendiri. 5 tahun belajar, alhamdulillah. siapa kata anak melayu tidak boleh belajar bahasa asing? dan siapa kata belajar bahasa penjajah membuatkan kita hilang jati diri? saya masih saya; masih patriotik bilamana membicarakan masa depan anak bangsa sendiri. masih begitu bersemangat ingin mengubah pandangan belia-belia yang bahasa inggeris itu ibarat belajar terbang. belajar sebagus mana pun akan tetap sukar untuk terbang dan takkan boleh terbang. lucu. itu yang saya rasa pada mereka-mereka yang kalah sebelum berjuang. belum pun cuba, atau pun baru mencuba yang cubaannya ibarat bermain di gigi-gigi air - sudah kata tidak boleh. jadi bagaimana mahu maju?

minggu ini, sudah dua kali saya meluangkan masa bersama teman paling akrab saya. seorang yang sangat berpengaruh bilamana saya akan membuat keputusan. pandangan dan pendapat dia sangat menyenangkan hati, walaupun menyengat dan kadang kala membuatkan saya berkecil hati. kebenaran itukan pahit dan tak selalunya indah. tapi saya suka. cuma dia yang berani menzahirkan keburukan dan kelemahan saya dengan kata-kata. sekali lagi, saya suka. saya suka dia. kami berbicara tentang kerjaya dan masa depan. saya suka melihat dia bila berkata-kata. suka melihat dia terdiam sebentar, berfikir sejenak dan kemudian memberikan pendapat paling bersih dan jujur. dan kerana itu, hati saya terbuka semula untuk mencari apa yang saya mahu. terima kasih, kaseh. tanpa kamu, saya masih teroleng-oleng mencari hala tuju. saya macam bot yang ditambat di jeti. ke kiri, ke kanan dan adakala seperti tersasar. tapi kamu pegang saya. sambil berkata 'kamu macam anak kecil, jadi pegang tangan saya supaya kita boleh berjalan seiring'. berbunga-bunga hati saya. seronok. terlambung-lambung bot kecil ini. terbuai-buai ditiup angin kaseh. suka. suka.

masa dalam kereta. kamu minum air vitagen. saya tengok. menanti untuk kamu memberikan saya botol kosong supaya saya boleh buangkan. dan kamu bertanya apa saya sudah minum bahagian saya atau belum. dan saya menjawab tidak. dan kamu kata sudah tiga tahun kita bersama, saya masih menanti untuk dipelawa. semestinya itu saya. pengalaman masa kecil membuatkan saya jadi takut. kamu tahu apa maksud saya. sudah saya jelaskan tadi. selepas bertahun kamu kenal saya, baru ini saya bercerita. cerita yang selalu buat mata saya berat dan sarat dengan airmata. tapi kamu pegang tangan saya. dan saya sikit pun tak menangis. hati saya walaupun sayu, tapi saya tahu saya ada kamu. tolong jangan pergi. jangan.

oh panjang sudah nukilan pertama kali ini. kalau difikirkan, masih banyak yang ingin dinyatakan. tapi cukup untuk kali ini. saya terlalu merindui teman paling akrab saya.

Ku tutup mataku
Dari semua pandanganku
Bila melihat matamu
Ku yakin ada cinta ketulusan hati
Yang mengalir lembut

Penguasa alam
Tolonglah pegangi aku
Biar ku tak jatuh
Pada sumur dosa yang terkutuk
Dan menyesatkan cintaku

Andaikan ku bisa
Lebih adil pada cinta kau dan dia
Aku bukan nabi yang bisa sempurna
Ku tak luput dari dosa

Biarlah ku hidup seperti ini
Takdir cinta harus begini
Ada kau dan dia bukan ku yang mau
Oh Tuhan tuntunlah hatiku

"may you live to be a hundred, and may the last voice you hear be mine"

a new beginning, i hope.

heyya.

fuuuhhhhh *blowing dust and spider webs*. i've been neglecting this blog for quite long due to time restriction and too many things to handle and what not *excuses*. but never once i feel like stopping to write. writing is among my many passions in life and i find it therapeutic. i can instantly lose my anger once i put it in writing. but that's not the point of me writing here, tonight.

i find it boring to make this an educational blog and there are times i got stuck at thinking what to post in here. if i babble about what i do for living, that's gonna be boring for readers. but hey, let's be selfish sometimes and make this as a place to whine teheee.

so from now on, i would just write whatever i want. let it be educational, telling how i feel and think etc. and since my another passion is to photograph stupid things, maybe i can include them also in here. i don't expect any comments as i know i don't have much readers - but heck i don't give a damn ngehehehe.

as the beginning of this so called new blog, here'a a photo for you. 

whoever can guess what it means can redeem the prize from me later. see you when i see you!