Monday, September 22, 2014

what had happened along the process?

sometimes, you wonder what had gone wrong in the education system. 
or in you.

sometimes, you get so disappointed.
and so much frustration.

sometimes, you keep on asking yourself.
what else could be done?

sometimes, you ask yourself.
what have i done wrong?

or.

what have i not done yet?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Aloha.

Haihhhh it has been almost a year that I've stopped writing anything on this blog. Life is super busy I can barely make time to sit and write although I have so much to say and want you to read hihi.

Life has been good to me, though more hectic than ever. I'm now officially married (thank God, I feel so much calmer now) but I still prefer to be called 'Miss'. Hahah talking about  issues on letting go the title as a single lady pffftttt.

There were times when I sat and stared at the screen, trying to find words that suited my emotion of that time. I feel teribbly sorry for Yatt; not long after my previous entry, I was told that she had lost her mother. What a tragic. I still remember waking up as my phone beeped next to my ears, just to read that her mother was gone. I typed and deleted few times - looking for the right words to say was not easy. I've been through such lost, and the last word I wish to hear is 'Sabar'. That's not the best word, people. Perhaps you could share things we can say for that matter. Because honestly, I'm still figuring it out.

Losing the ones you love is terribly depressing. It is not easy, it never will be easy. But life has to go on. We have to go on. I keep on reminding myself, that even though my dad is no longer with me - his blood is mine, he is me and I am him. With that, in a way he is still with me but not with the physical existence. Each day passing by - I feel normal. But whatever that could remind me of my lost would make me grieve silently. It feels like a cold pang to my face, and I hate that feeling. I guess I will always feel like this. Truth hurts. Forever.

Well, I hope you know what I mean. Yatt, and those who are facing the same thing - I wish you to be the strongest you can. You will only know your true strength only when you are tested. 


Let He does His job, okay people?
Just smile.

Smile.

:)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

dalam menduga rasa cinta.

Assalamualaikum.

Tiada kata yang mampu diucap tatkala mengetahui pemergian insan tersayang. Kalau untuk memenangkan diri sendiri pun kadangkala tak terjumpa perkataan yang sesuai, inikan pula bila kawan-kawan, sanak saudara mahupun pelajar saya sendiri yang merasai kehilangan.

Beberapa hari lepas, pagi saya dikejutkan dengan mesej ringkas daripada bekas pelajar asasi saya, Yatt. Terdiam sejenak memikirkan apa yang perlu dibalas. Nak disuruh jangan menangis - tak masuk akal. Nak disuruh bersabar - pastinya kesabaran dia sudah penuh di dada dalam mengawal diri. Semuanya menjadi serba tak kena.  Yang terlintas di fikiran cuma satu; inilah ujian Allah buat kita - dalam menilai cinta kita pada Dia.

Saya sedih. Sebab dia kehilangan ibu lebih awal daripada saya kehilangan bapa saya. Namun janji Allah itu pasti. Setiap yang berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya yang hanya Allah saja yang tahu. Mati itu pasti. 

Kehilangan ini pasti akan menjadi igauan ngeri buat dia. Saya sendiri masih sedih dan sebak walaupun tiga tahun sudah berlalu. Masa bukan penentu kerana bila kita kehilangan orang tua kita, lama mana pun pasti akan masih dihimpit sedih. 

Dulu, saya sering menangis bila teringatkan 'bagaimana agaknya bila ibu atau bapa saya meninggal dunia'. Memikirkannya pun boleh buat merembes-rembes airmata. Ketika itu saya terfikir, mungkin bila ia benar-benar berlaku, separuh jiwa saya akan pergi, saya takkan mampu berdiri.

Tapi Allah Maha Kaya. 

Saya masih di sini. Sedih, tapi kini lebih kuat. Sekarang saya tahu, 'What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger'.

Kadangkala, Allah menduga kasih kita pada Dia bila diragut orang yang kita sayang. Sebab sesungguhnya, telah dikata bahawa kasih sesama manusia, cinta sesama kita adalah sementara dan hanya pinjaman semata. Bila direnggut sekelip mata - apakah kita meratap bagai hilang semua? atau lebih menyembah menyedari bahawa kita ini sekerdil-kerdil manusia. Apa pun takdak - kata gaya orang utara hahaha.

Hidup ni aneh, kan? tapi seronok.

:)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Sementara masih ada.

Ecewah tajuk. Suweettt tak? Hahaha.

Sepatutnya sudah enak dibuai mimpi pada waktu ini, tetapi perut berdendang kelaparan (eh?) hahah. Mind you readers, I'm writing this half awake; hence the mixture of languages and the informality in writing.

Ahhh, biarlah saya nak menulis apa dan bagaimana pun. Jangan mudah menilai, okay? Saya sedang cuba menulis dalam bahasa ibunda. Sesuatu yang sudah lama ditinggalkan; maka kalau ada salah dan silap harap dimaafkanlah ye.

Sepetang saya berfikir tentang sesuatu. Saya rindu bapa saya (sobbsss). Kenikmatan kehidupan yang saya sedang lalui adalah hasil didikan beliau. Dan ibu saya (duuhhhh, of course). Betapa nikmatnya hidup saya - ada kerjaya, ada kereta (walaupun masih berhutang dan jenama tempatan aje hahaha), dan insyaAllah mahu memiliki rumah sendiri. Tanpa bapa saya berpeluang menikmatinya bersama saya. 

Sedih, uolsssss.

Hidup saya dipenuhi nikmat dunia, tapi masih rasa sedih sebab tak dapat dikongsi dengan orang tersayang. Suatu ketika dulu, saya selalu berazam - nanti dah senang nak bawa mak ayah jalan-jalan, nak belanja diorang macam-macam. Nanti, bila dah senang.

Tapi Allah Maha Kaya - Dia mengatur segalanya. Bapa saya tak sempat merasa bila saya sudah sedikit senang. Belum betul-betul kaya, tapi sudah sedikit mampu nak belanja dan bawa berjalan.

Memang orang boleh kata, jadilah anak yang solehah kerana itu sumbangan saya pada bapa.  Saya mungkin tak sempat beri dia merasa nikmat dunia, tapi saya boleh menyumbang dalam saham akhirat bapa saya. Benar, saya tak sangkal. Benar, saya cuba sebaiknya namun saya cuma manusia biasa. Saya teringin nak belanja bapa saya makan sedap-sedap, belikan baju, bawa jalan-jalan. Tapi saya cuma mampu berangan dalam kepala. Buat macam mana pun, bapa saya sudah tiada.

Sobbbbsss sedihhhh.

Paling sedih bila tengok orang teruja buat persiapan perkahwinan - bapa mereka turut serta teruja dan sama naik syeikh shopping di Nilai 3 (ehhhh hahahah). Saya dah tak ada bapa. Tak terbayang di waktu akad nikah bapa saya tiada. 

Tapi mujurlah saya masih ada mak. 

Mak saya cool. Banyak hikmahnya bila bapa saya tiada. Kami lebih rapat, dan mak saya lebih sporting. Lebih terbuka dan suka melawak. Betul-betul menggantikan bapa saya. Bapa saya memang loyar buruk dan kuat membahan (sounds familiar kan? macam I kan? hahah).

Saya masih cuba nak membina kehidupan saya. Kalau dulu saya asyik menunggu konon bila senang baru nak belanja ibubapa - sekarang saya dah berubah. Saya cuba untuk menjadi lebih pemurah. Saya nak tengok mak saya gembira. 

Saya belanja tiket pergi melancong mak saya. Duit saya tak banyak, tapi hati saya gembira tengok mak saya teruja; biarpun dalam hati pening fikir apa lagi cara nak tambah duit hahahahha.

Kalau anda membaca nukilan hati saya hari ini, saya ada sedikit pesanan.

Never wait for the right moment. Tak ada apa yang pasti dalam dunia ini kecuali mati. Ibu bapa tiada gantinya. Sibuk macam mana pun, mesti balik jenguk mereka. Jangan berkira; call them as frequent as you can. Bila dah tak ada, jangan jadi macam saya. Masih terkenang-kenang dan mengharap andai masa dapat diputar semula. I miss all the calls my dad gave me, almost everyday. I miss how he made me laugh with his repetitious jokes. I miss how he annoyed me so much with his remarks. I miss how we argued over small matters. I miss his comments on how I drove. I miss him talking to me over the phone - asking me each and every time when will I come back? I miss his laugh, his smile. I miss his pat on my back after solat. I miss cutting his fingernails. I miss his requests - for me to cook dishes he liked. 

I just miss him badly.

I learn the most important thing in life. This lesson will surely be the most expensive one - I lost my dad, but I learn to love and to appreciate those who are kind to me, and to be more grateful with what I have. Love your loved ones while they are still alive. Jangan tunggu. Masa tidak menanti kita. Kematian itu pasti. Penat macam mana pun, spend your time. Listen to them. Tenung muka mereka puas-puas. Hug and kiss them while you can. Say you love them again and again. NEVER WAIT.

Kalian macam anak-anak saya, walaupun saya masih muda (ehem!). Maaf kalau kadang-kadang saya terlancang bahasa, perbuatan atau apa sahaja. 

Saya juga sedang mencuba mencari syurga. Moga saya, kalian dan sesiapa sahaja diberikan hidayah dan peluang menjadi lebih baik.

Moh kita tidur, anak-anak!

nahhhh.
kiss sampai tersepit haha.

Friday, February 22, 2013

woohooo i'm done!

After much struggling and sleepless nights, (we - lecturers are like zombies now), I'm done marking all scripts. However, I'm considered as halfway done since marks will be keyed in tomorrow and will be finalized next week. How time flies, huh? We all work like there's no tomorrow for the sake of our 'children'.

During the marking period, everyone will be missing hahahah. Each and every lecturer has different preferable ways to get things done. Me? I'm nestling at home trying to avoid the outside world (rasa macam nak mengeramkan telur pun ada sebab tak boleh tinggalkan sarang ha ha!).

But life must go on so I was running here and there, dividing tasks (my expertise) so that they will be done on time. I have started my postgraduate classes so welcome more and more sleepless nights!   -____-"

So far I'm happy with the marks. Don't worry, you will get what you deserve. I have to admit that I was offended by some students, but fret not because professionalism is my middle name LOL. I'm very professional when it comes to grading students. And if you know me well, effort means marks.

The more effort you put, the better grade you will get. InsyaAllah.

Those who are unhappy with the grade, well - it's not easy to satisfy everyone. But before you guys decide to vent on me or accusing me for being unfair or whatever, think deeply and try to mirror yourselves.

Don't ask what have I done for you, but rather ask what have you done for yourselves? Is your effort sufficient? Have you given your best? Have you tried your best? Were you really sincere attending my classes? Did you say bad things behind my back? Eh eh that's 'mengumpat' okay hahah.

But I know my students are true Muslims. They don't do bad things, they didn't say bad things. Husnudzon. :) :)

Allah is the Most Just. Honestly, I always have faith in Him. I know I'm just human and I can't escape imperfection - but having faith in Him make me feel so calm. I always pray to Him to give what's best for me, and for my students.

I hope you guys are enjoying yourselves to the max this holiday. Experience it while it lasts. Once you reach my age - holiday is no longer familiar.

Hihi I'm old. But young at heart.

Sleep tight all. I still need to revise few chapters for my next class. :) :)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

plagiarism aka plagiat aka copy paste.


Just so you know, I don't tolerate plagiarism.
Those whom I noticed plagiarised for the assignment, you only get not more than three marks.
Those marks are given solely because I pity you.

Tak kisahlah panjang berjela, bermuka surat banyak pun awak tulis, menipu tetap menipu.

Allah Maha Melihat.
dan saya berasa teramat sedih dengan sikap kalian.
Kecewa.

Biar bodoh, tapi jangan jadi penipu.
Bodoh masih boleh masuk syurga.
Menipu itu berdosa.

:)

Lu fikirlah sendiri.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

happy holidayssss!

Final exam is finally over. 
So do enjoy you break!

While i'm cracking my head marking your papers.
-_____-"

Just wanna share:

Masalah Lupa : Kenapa, Punca dan Cara Untuk Mengatasinya


Love, 
me.